The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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