could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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