Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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