Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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