I don't usually arrange sex via text message
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
