I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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