the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
