I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
