Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
