bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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