You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
