Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Can I color on your dick again?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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