if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
