He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
