What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
