dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
