so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
