my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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