Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
