I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
