just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
