i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
