life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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