my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
