No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
