I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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