YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
