hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We need a shit load of segways right now
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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