non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
