If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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