Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
