My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
we're so committed to being not committed
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
