Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
