Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
