Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wear drunk well.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
