you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
