is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
