She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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