The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I touched a dick in church today
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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