Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he told me I talked like a deaf person
it glows. i had to have it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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