Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
