If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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