Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
