Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
