Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
