atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
