To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Still dying that you shit outside
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
