Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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