Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize