Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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