if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.