Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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