My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich