So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
