She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
