Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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