I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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