oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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