i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
