please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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