The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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