i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
