You smell like a Billy Joel song
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
