Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
