So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
