Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
love makes seman taste better
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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