Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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