her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
