Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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